I'm not good at saying sorry.
I actually hate it. There have been times where I can feel the words wanting to come out of my mouth, and I just shove them back down. I can't bring myself to say it. Apologizing for actions makes me feel like they were wrong, and I dislike being wrong.
Sometimes I equate saying sorry to loosing. Like I'm giving them something. I recently fucked up on a nuclear scale, not surprising. But, I didn't regulate my words, and at then end of a heated exchange, the person I was actually enjoying getting to know, left. I don't blame them. I think we both contributed, but I know that I am sorry for my part.
I have been sitting here for the past 4 days going over and over how to say that. If I should say it, when, what way...I wish I was good at this. Maybe I just say "Hey I fucked up, I'm an asshole" but I'm terrified of a rejection response of either a blocked number or something along the lines of 'go fuck yourself'
The unknowns always get me. But if everyone knew what to expect, life would be boring.
I'm supposed to see this person this Saturday at a costume party. I've thought of possibly trying to speak to them at that time, in person. That way, I don't have to worry about him not showing up, and I'll have the added benefit of being in a costume? Question mark? Is that even a benefit? on the bright side, there's pizza at the party.
